Q: We will have a big family gathering over the Thanksgiving weekend, with both of my kids and my sister’s three kids home from their respective colleges and universities. My brother has a grown son and daughter-in-law with two little ones and they’re making the trip home for the long weekend too because we have a few elderly family members who are struggling with their health. With all of us together, I thought it would be a good time to talk about Christmas gift-giving expectations and how we can make it more affordable for everyone this year. How do I best start this discussion? ~Elly
A: Everyone coming together for the holidays seems to become more precious as we get older. It also becomes harder as the younger generation carves their path with education, work, their own schedules and new family obligations. With everyone together now, before the Christmas and winter holiday season gets into full swing, this is the perfect time to talk about changing your family’s gift-buying traditions.
Starting the conversation and overcoming objections
If there’s opportunity to talk to your own siblings and their spouses ahead of time to see where they might stand, that’s a great way to start. Not only can you practise what you might say when you’re all together, they have some insight into their kids’ circumstances and can anticipate their responses. Even if family members like big gift-giving events, no one likes to end the holidays with big amounts of debt .
When talking to your family members, explain your intentions and ideas, ask them for their input, and then work toward consensus. This will get everyone’s buy-in. If some people have already started their holiday shopping, consider which new traditions you could start this year, and which could be added next year. For instance, if you want to propose drawing names to reduce the number of people you need to buy for, those who have already started their shopping could “draw” the name(s) they’ve already bought a gift for.
Decide ahead of time why this discussion is important to you, be ready to explain your motivations, and prepare yourself to listen to your family members. Everyone will have their own reason for getting on board with or declining new traditions, e.g. financial, environmental, emotional, or even psychological (not everyone is good with change and establishing new traditions). There’s no way to force anyone to participate, so if someone really doesn’t want to be part of a new tradition, give them time to see how it works out this year. Hopefully they’ll come on board for next year.
When to have the money talk
Talking about money around your Thanksgiving table may cause some to shift uncomfortably in their chairs. Rather than putting everyone on the spot, bring up some of your ideas before the meal as you work together to prepare it, while you’re sitting and chatting, or afterwards as you’re clearing the table.
If your end goal is to make the holidays more affordable, arm yourself with ideas to share with your family members when you talk to them. While almost everyone has at some point thought about spending less, not everyone has thought about how to do things differently to achieve that outcome. Some might be worried about hurting someone’s feelings; another might want to buy for someone whose name they didn’t draw; or, others might not like the idea of having to shop within a specific spending limit. Think about ways to incorporate a little of what everyone finds special about the holidays so that everyone gets at least some of what they want.
Ideas to make holiday gift-giving more affordable
Ideas you might want to consider include setting dollar/spending limits, drawing names, buying only for kids, steering towards giving experiences, or coming up with your own new tradition.
In some families, asking for a pooled cash contribution might be frowned upon, so discussing what that kind of guided giving might look like may need to be part of your conversation. From giving someone cash, e-transferring or writing them a cheque, or heading to the store as a group to pay for a combined gift – discuss what works for your family. Gift cards have their place, but they can put unintended limitations on gifts, so if you essentially want to contribute cash to a pooled gift, stick with the cash so that the recipient has the most flexibility with how they use it. This also prevents your gift card from becoming part of the 20 to 30 per cent that never get used.
We’ve become so used to having so much under our tree every year that scaling back will take some getting used to. Rather than a mountain of gifts, there may only be a few – how do you explain to the kids that Santa reined in his generosity? What will help parents not see the smaller number of parcels and feel like they’re letting their kids down? Kids are very adaptable and if they know ahead of time to expect less items and why — but more that are specifically what they’re wishing for — you likely won’t see any disappointment. If you do, then you know you’re actually on the right path to helping kids be more thankful for what they already have, because if we can’t appreciate what we have, we won’t be satisfied with more either.
The bottom line on starting new holiday gift-giving traditions
Take a cue from members of your older generations who typically value spending more time than money. From only buying for the children to setting a low dollar limit when buying multiple gifts, or planning an event for everyone to do together instead of buying gifts, there’s no right or wrong way to rein in gift-giving traditions. The key is to talk about it together well ahead of time so that everyone has a chance to plan accordingly. Ultimately, do what’s right for your family and enjoy the time you have together.
Related reading:
- Alternative Gifts with Lasting Effects
- Holiday Spending and Gift Giving Planner
- How to Say ‘Thanks’ When You Don’t Have a Lot of Money
Scott Hannah is president of the Credit Counselling Society, a non-profit organization. For more information about managing your money or debt, contact Scott by email , check www.nomoredebts.org or call 1-888-527-8999.
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