Q - I’ve been dating a co-worker for six months. We were previously friends and I already had feelings for her. We’re both late-30s.
So, when she broke up with her boyfriend, I listened to her tell “the story” over a few weeks, took her to a funny movie to cheer her, then made my move.
We get along great, we have the same sense of humour and laugh a lot, there’s common stuff in our family backgrounds and interests. I thought there could be a future for us.
Our dates were mostly weekend events as our jobs are equally intense during the week. Then, several weeks ago, she told me she was “busy” both weekend days.
There was a minor explanation which I accepted, but inside I was hurt.
The next week, it was the same thing ... she’s “busy with prior commitments,” for the whole weekend. I was very upset.
I told her that it doesn’t work that way, that people who’ve been together every weekend for months are in a relationship, and plan together when things interfere with seeing each other.
She said she was sorry, but that we hadn’t talked about being in a “relationship.”
She said she appreciates my friendship, enjoys being with me, but we’d never discussed an exclusive commitment. It was clear that she’s not wanting that.
Neither of us is new to dating. Am I overreacting?
Hurt and Confused
A - Recognizing that she wasn’t at the same level of involvement as you are, was a blow – both emotionally and to your self-esteem.
She’s obviously kept you in the “friend” category, even if sex was involved.
She made her point – neither of you had raised the topic of being in a relationship. You took it for granted, she avoided even thinking about it.
You “reacted,” that was natural, and she should’ve expected it.
Now, protect yourself. Since you’re the one with hurt feelings, tell her you’ll also be “busy” for a while and walk away with your head held high.
Q - My son went through a bad divorce over ten years ago. Initially, he had the children because they were very young, their mom was in the military. She also partied and dated a lot.
He moved in with us so we could help with the kids while he worked.
Their mother never saw the kids in almost five years. She then remarried and wanted them. We believe she really wanted the child support.
The kids were alienated from us. It's been nine years since we've seen the son, now early-20’s and the daughter, late-teens.
She wants to marry her boyfriend and ditch everyone with whom she's ever been in contact.
She's just running. Her mother has lied to her so much about her father.
How do we not lose our granddaughter for good? We’ve had small contact, made plans to visit but she cancels at the last minute. She’s so hurt and angry.
Heartbroken Grandparents
A - Focus on your granddaughter’s immediate situation, not on her mother’s behaviour.
The girl has had enough of alienation and back-biting on several sides. She wants some contact with you, but is also afraid of it, lest she be torn in several directions.
Offer her love and listening, not judgement on anyone else. Meet her boyfriend, provide only help that’s appropriate and affordable, not an escape route.
She’s young for marriage, especially when so troubled, but desperate for a sense of security and peace. That’s the best that grandparents can provide.
Q - I’ve been ghosted by a man I dated 27 times within four months!
He called/texted every day, we sometimes met for lunch (we work nearby), even if getting together that night. I’m 39, he’s 46.
He and his adult son (previous marriage), recently went on a hiking trip. I called to say hello, once, during that time. He was cold/abrupt with me.
He didn’t contact me when he returned three weeks ago, nor since. I apologized by text/email and asked if we could discuss things. No response. I know he was at work, so not ill.
Was what I did so wrong?
Like I Don’t Exist
A - He’s in the wrong to dismiss your past connection without an explanation.
However, it’s over. And you may be better off for it.
Whatever his reasons for ending contact, he was cowardly to just pull a disappearing act. Not a healthy trait for a lasting relationship. Move on.
Ellie’s tip of the day
It isn’t a romantic “relationship” until both of you agree it is.
